Rightist Insurgents Seize House – 300,000,000 Held Hostage

Washington, October 1, 2013 – Slogan-wielding health-care protesters invaded the Capitol over the weekend, demanding an end to health care for anyone unable to pay for it.  Taking the entire U.S. population hostage, the insurgents are demanding an end to Obamacare and promising death to tens of thousands due to lack of access to health care if their demands are met.

Speaker John Boner promised to break the country before his caucus would allow funding for health care.  “We will spend millions for defense,” he declared, “but not one penny for health care.”  According to Mr. Boner, a visit to a doctor for pneumonia or surgery for a hernia is a privilege for college-educated professionals and those worthy enough to be elected to Congress.

The Republicans are also determined to end food aid to the poor.  One GOP representative said, “It is time to end the obesity epidemic by starving the poor.”  He said that “if the poor are starved skinny enough, obesity will be ended, since the average American will be the right weight.”  He said that if leaves and grass are good enough for his polo ponies, they are good enough for people too lazy to pick fruit in his orange grove for a nickel a bushel.

Republicans in the senate also want to block Obamacare.  During Sen. Marcus Rubicube’s remarkable 13-hour mini-filibuster he laid out the Republican problem with Obamacare this way:

We cannot afford Obamacare.  It might improve the health of people who cannot now afford health insurance and save money in the long run.  Then where would we be?  The American people will be misled into thinking that Obama is right about something.  That would be a catastrophe.  It is much better to let the country crash and burn than give Obamacare a chance to work.

During the filibuster, Sen. Rubicube could be seen chugging vial after vial of 5-Hour Energy.  He denied that he was promoting the energy slime and dismissed as ridiculouse the accusation that there was any connection between his ostentatious consumption of the product and the six-figure campaign contribution he received from the company when he left the podium.

An Obama Administration spokesperson said that the President is monitoring the situation.  Closely!  She quoted the President as stating that he is “appalled” at the blatant disregard for governmental protocols.  She stated that the President considers taking the United States electorate hostage as “very serious.”


John B. Payne, Attorney
Garrison LawHouse, PC
Dearborn, Michigan 313.563.4900
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 800.220.7200
©2013 John B. Payne, Attorney

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