Suck a Vile Vial

Ads for 5-Hour Energy are pervasive on hulu.com. Although internet commercials are a new phenomenon, I can confidently predict that these grating snake-oil pitches will rank among the Top Ten awful ads for years and years. These execrable exercises in mendacity are wrong on so many levels that I could write for hours and hardly scratch the surface.

In the first place, the product is basically the caffeine in an ordinary cup of coffee offered in a tiny vial of slime, “enhanced” with some B-vitamins and the nutrition you might find in an ordinary cookie. Instead of this miracle potion priced at $2.00 or more, just take a No-Doz or Vivarin with an Oreo and a shot of milk. Save yourself at least 75% of the cost. In a truly bizarre twist, the product is now being offered in de-caffeinated form at the same price. That’s like offering a car minus engine at the regular price. Talk about gas-mileage!

The worst commercial for this product is the one where a flaky cowboy wannabe talks a couple of schlemiels into tossing their biggie coffees over their shoulders, littering the countryside with their styrofoam cups. What a waste of presumably decent coffee! Even worse, they are desecrating the outdoors with their trash.

A fellow WordPress blogger thoroughly trashes the commercial where a female actor tries to sell the viewer on the idea that 73% of doctors would prescribe this bilge water to their patients. In “5-Minute Calculation” the pseudo science of the ad is well and truly debunked. http://mirkwood.wordpress.com/2012/07/28/5-minute-calculation/

One point that Mirkwood did not make is the silliness of the claim that the doctors “said they would recommend a low-calorie energy supplements to their healthy patients who used energy supplements.” Why would it not be 100%? Of course a doctor would recommend a low-calorie energy supplement to healthy patients already using them. Would a doctor not recommend low-tar and low-nicotine cigarettes to patients who intend to keep smoking? That would not be a recommendation to smoke, it would be a recommendation to do something a little less stupid than smoking high-tar and high-nicotine cigarettes.

It is getting late here in the American Heartland, so I will wrap this up. Besides, I have not yet watched all the episodes of “Mongrels.” I want to see what Nelson and the gang are going to do next. For the pleasure, I will probably have to endure half a dozen revolting commercials. If repetitive advertising can truly influence behavior, at 3:00 a.m. I will probably shuffle off to the QuickeeMart to buy a 5-hour Energy decaf. Who knows? It might help me sleep.

 

John B. Payne, Attorney
Garrison LawHouse, PC
Dearborn, Michigan 313.563.4900
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 800.220.7200
law-business.com
 
©2012 John B. Payne, Attorney
 
 

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