You Are What You Are and You Ain’t What You Ain’t

Any time it seems that people are pretty sane and can agree on self-evident things like that the earth circles the sun and that the picture of Neil Armstrong on the moon is not a hoax, I get doused with reality. Jeffrey Gettleman’s article, “Americans’ Role Seen in Uganda Anti-Gay Push,” New York Times, January 3, 2010, is a real drencher!

According to Mr. Gettleman, three American evangelical Christians went to Uganda last March to preach about the “hidden and dark” gay agenda and the threat homosexuals pose to Bible-based values and the traditional African family. According to these pinheads, gays recruit straight people to become gay to destroy the traditional family. Furthermore, they told audiences of Ugandans, gay people can be converted to straight, and vice versa. As anyone not a peabrain could have foreseen, preaching homophobia to homophobics would not end well and a month later a law to impose the death penalty on gay people was introduced in the Ugandan legislature. Now these imbeciles claim that did not intend that Uganda enact a death penalty for being gay. Apparently, they thought the Ugandans would only want to whack off their peepees.

For three days, the three Men of God told Ugandan police officers, teachers and politicians how to make gay people straight, that gay men often sodomize teenage boys and that “the gay movement is an evil institution” meant “to defeat the marriage-based society and replace it with a culture of sexual promiscuity.” What did they think would happen? That the Ugandans would make gay sex a civil infraction? It is amazing that such simpletons could find their way to Uganda and back without minders. They must have been delivered by DHL, because they could never have negotiated an airport on their own.

The three nominees for Airhead 2009 are Don Schmierer, who teaches methods for turning gay people straight; Caleb Lee Brundidge, a self-described former gay who leads “healing seminars;” and Scott Lively, who has written several books–not essays, books–against homosexuality, including “Seven Steps to Recruit-Proof Your Child.” I cannot imagine a whole book written to express such a simple-minded opinion–25 words would have been plenty. Brundidge and Schmierer are uneducated, but Lively has a law degree. Apparently a law degree is not an antidote to determined ignorance. Schmierer had the gall to describe the capital punishment bill as “horrible, absolutely horrible.” Apparently brain-dead to irony, he said recently, “Some of the nicest people I have ever met are gay people.”

It is easy to understand why some people would want to believe that gays can be recruited or converted. Parents who have been taught that alternative sexual identities are evil would look for scapegoats if their sons or daughters turn out not to be straight and monogamous. They would be likely to engage in magical thinking: “My spouse and I, who are straight and have only straight genes could not have produced a gay son or daughter; therefore, my straight child, who has been seduced into a gay lifesyle, can be restored to his or her true nature.” Similarly, parents who are insecure in their sexual identity may want to ensure that their children remain straight. However, such ideas are misguided and maladaptive.

People are not susceptible to “recruitment” as either gay or straight. I am an adult male heterosexual. This is nothing to be proud of; it is not an accomplishment. That just happens to be the way I was born. I say I am straight, the same way I say I am a natural-born U.S. citizen. If it were an achievement, I would say, “I am proud to be straight.” It is nothing I accomplished, so I am neither proud nor ashamed of being straight.

I am straight and no one can seduce, recruit, threaten, pay, impress, extort, torture, brainwash, hoodwink, scam, or defraud me into being anything other than straight. Those gay recruiters could waterboard me until I look like a pink raisin and I would not become gay. When I was six, I wanted to play “You show me yours and I’ll show you mine” with girls, not boys. I did not care a fig about what might be in other boys’ drawers, but I had a consuming curiosity about what girls have down there. There is no bloody way that I could have been recruited to become gay.

There are closeted gays and people who resist their orientation. They would be worried about being “outed” or recruited, but no one who is sure of his or her orientation would ever believe that a person could be retreaded as any way other than how the person started.

So, if you hear a person like Scott Lively, Caleb Lee Brundidge, Don Schmierer, or Rick Warren, spouting off about the gay agenda to recruit straight kids and turn them gay, think about whether you would be susceptible to being converted. Are you really worried that you would fall in love if Barney Frank (Mary Cheney if you are female) winked at you? Lively, Brundidge, Schmierer and Warren are not nearly as worried that you or your child will be turned gay as they are that they will be outed. Bear that in mind when you hear anti-gay preachers.


John B. Payne, Attorney
Garrison LawHouse, PC
Dearborn, Michigan 313.563.4900
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 800.220.7200
©2010 John B. Payne, Attorney

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